Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dignity is for republicans.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
