i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
