I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
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someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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