she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
