just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
