I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
