Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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