Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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