im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
