You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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