Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
