I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
