I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
