That's when you crack a 10am beer
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
