I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
