His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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