Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
