I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
