yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
