it wasn't lemon gatorade
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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