i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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