How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
