I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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