??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
