Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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