Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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