My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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