Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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