Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
