my phone needs a breathalizer
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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