I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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