I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm passing your future prison.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
