i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
