another moral hangover. fuck.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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