wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
