I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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