You really coming over, don't trick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
