you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
