God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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