He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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