R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
