You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
