So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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