Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
