you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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