i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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