I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
