She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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