I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
