friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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