I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
