My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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