I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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