i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
