I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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