My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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