and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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