this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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