dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
