WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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